RAG TIME She went to bed sad and woke up angry She was confused, she was really unhappy She felt so bad for a couple of days It was sunny outside but she only saw grey I put my arm around her in an effort to calm her But she just pushed me away I asked her if I did anything wrong She said it’s not you it’s me Well it’s that time of the month again she’s emotional and crabby I think that’s ok because it means I’m not a daddy She’s angry and tearful I’m happy and cheerful She complains of the pain and I get an earful She comes to me looking for sympathy I tell her I’m glad it’s not happening to me Baby I am sorry for this smile on my face But we’ve been taking risks lately and you said that you were late Forgive me for this glee that I didn’t plant a seed Forgive me for being happy when I see you … Well it’s that time of the month again she is shedding eggs I think that’s ok cos I’m not ready for children yet Baby please don’t hurt me for the things I see I was simply joking and you took it the wrong way Baby please forgive me I said that I was sorry And looking on the upside at least you’re not a mommy Well it’s that time of the month again and she has got the shits I think that’s ok because I really don’t want kids.

NOT A REAL SONG If I haven’t heard it played by a cover band If I haven’t heard it on Today FM’s top ten If I haven’t seen the clip on television Then it’s not a real song If I don’t know how the chorus goes If I haven’t heard it played on the end of Rove If it’s not a ringtone on my mobile phone Then it’s not a real song If I haven’t heard it on the radio Then it’s not a real song If it’s not on the set list of every duke box No cardboard display at the music shop If it doesn’t sound like Eagle rock Then it’s not a real song If it’s not on a So Fresh compilation Can’t buy it on cassette at the service station If it doesn’t have angst and hormonal frustration Then it’s not a real song If I haven’t heard it on the radio If I don’t know how the chorus goes If I can’t sing along Then it’s not a real song If it doesn’t have an intro then a verse then a chorus then a verse then a chorus then a bridge If it doesn’t have an instrumental If it doesn’t have a key change Then it’s not a real song If it hasn’t been sung on Australian Idol If it hasn’t been payed at a footy grand final If it hasn’t been written by a record label Then it’s not a real song If it’s not blaring at the traffic lights If the DJ doesn’t play it six times a night If you can’t air guitar then there’s something not right And it’s not a real song No it’s not a real song If it doesn’t have a face out...

I MISS YOU (Sunglasses Song) I’ve been so lonely since you’ve been gone I don’t know what I’m going to do I don’t know how I’m gonna carry on I can’t see clearly, the lights are blinding my eyes I can’t forget about you, I can’t get you out of my mind I want you back, I miss you so bad You’re the greatest pair of sunglasses that I’ve ever had I miss you, I never meant to step on you Under my shoe I broke you in two I saw you at the service station You were on the ten-dollar rack You looked so beautiful Right next to the jerry-cans I picked you up and took you to the counter Along with all the money that I had The lady said that you were twelve ninety-five I said I got you off the ten-dollar rack And she said that someone must have put you there by mistake Cos you’re scanning at twelve ninety-five And then I lost my shit and then I started to cry Maybe she felt sorry or maybe embarrassed to see me crying in public Or maybe it was because I was holding up the line, but she said don’t worry about it And I walked out with my red eyes covered But now there’s nothing to cover my tears I want you back, I miss you so bad You’re the greatest pair of sunglasses that I’ve ever had I miss you, I never meant to step on you Under my shoe I broke you in two Just like my heart It was such a long time that we were together You were by my side through all types of weather I never believed in love But now I’m a believer And I’ve never done that before I’ve never left you on the floor, right next to the door And I should have looked where I was walking Should have been looking because now you are broken Just like my heart I want you back, I miss you so bad You’re the greatest pair of sunglasses that I’ve ever had I miss you, I never meant to step on you Under my shoe I broke you in two Just like my heart Now the UV lights are burning my eyes as I’m walking to the same service station

CUMMON AUSTRAYA! They strike fear into the Australian way of life I’ve been brought up to believe that’s just not right We have to take a stand, we have to do our best We have to kill all those bloody terrorists Because there are places that Australians don’t dare tread That makes me angry, it makes me flaming red It’s been going on for a long time, it’s been a fair while We have to kill all those terrorist crocodiles We’ll reclaim the beaches, but not like Cronulla We’ll stand beside all of our human brothers And we’ll pick up our arms and we’ll fight the good fight And we’ll protect the Australian way of life Cos I’m Australian and I wanna swim at the beach I’m Australian I don’t like the box jellyfish I’m Australian and I wanna swim freestyle I’m Australian let’s kill the crocodiles Well it’s forty degrees under the shade And I can see the beach and the crystal clear waves But you know you can’t go in cos you know that they’re watching You know they’re just waiting to eat you for lunch And you know you never smile at a crocodile Unless you’re looking down the barrel of a rifle So I’ll say it again, come on my friends Pick up your gun and let the slaughter begin It’s a shame we lost Stevo, he was a bloody good croc hunter But I’m not sure he’d like this idea that we’re on to But he’s not here to complain, so we’ll do it anyway And while we’re at it, let’s kill some stingrays Cos I’m Australian and I wanna swim at the beach I’m Australian I don’t like the box jellyfish I’m Australian and I wanna swim freestyle I’m Australian let’s kill the crocodiles I’ve got a solution to our little problem I’m no scientist but I know how to stop them We’ll go into the ocean and build a great big fence That will stop those amphibious terrorists From Cape Tribulation through to Kakadoo We’ll turn them all into wallets and shoes Because they’re steeling our jobs And they don’t speak the language Either they go back to their own country Or we’ll turn them into luggage One day I’ll walk down to my local fish and chip shop I’ll have a small serve of chips and a large side of croc Then I’ll eat my lunch and I’ll wait thirty minutes Then me and my friends, we’re all going swimming Cos we’re Australian and I wanna swim at the beach We’re Australian I don’t like the box jellyfish We’re Australian and I wanna swim freestyle We’re Australian let’s kill the crocodiles

ROADTRIP SONG Our legs cramped up and our eyes did shut There were no cars on the road we were driving with the trucks With the moon behind the clouds no light on the roads Bright eyes powered our car to go A long way from home into the unknown Nobody around no reception on the phone But soon we’d be around the ones we love And then my friends the fun did start Left at five in the arvo arrived at eight am Got out of the car started drinking gin Woke up our friends and said good morning Now we begin We polished off the bottle, new we were in trouble Had to get some alcohol and better make it double If we wanna stay awake we gotta keep ourselves going It’s a festival feeling no point in slowing Down down down it goes Gin, beer, double espressos Anything that flows down the throat Cos we couldn’t afford the shit that goes up your nose But we were buzzing and bubbling, loving and hugging Bouncing around and all through the town Saw people looking at us as if we were nutters We didn’t care, we were out for fun Fought with fruits in the markets Our heads were the targets Smooshed grapes in your face The security guards loved us Avocado in your hair pair in your underwear Don’t cry, it’s only citrus in your eye Then we walked through Coles with a megga bouncing ball Bouncing it around knocking shit off the shelves Laughing at ourselves as the PA screamed Security to isle thirteen Then went the other way and nodded gidday As we passed the men in blur who were coming for me and you Then shot through, went outside The clouds had let up and the sun was shining bright Then we danced through the street singing outloud We fucking love this town The music didn’t stop we spoke in rhymes Walked up and down scales, stepping in time The songs we were singing were constantly changing Ideas and stories we were exchanging Tales of the heart from the top of our heads But I can’t remember the words we said The best music of my life has been lost to the air But I’m glad my friends were there For the love we share with those who care Is the best thing in the world nothing else compares To that feeling in my heart when my heart felt full I can feel it in my belly, think I’m going to spew Love all over you, surely we’re the lucky few Cos no one can feel as god as I do When I’m dancing around with you And I’m glad we took the long drive down Cos I fucking love this town When you’re silly time moves quickly We looked at the clock, time had gone completely Long goodbyes bring tears to eyes No time for that cos we must fly Way back home where the weather is colder The people look older but just like I told ya We’ll see you soon and with that We hopped in the car started heading back And our legs cramped up, our eyes did shut There were no cars on the road we were driving with the trucks With the moon behind the clouds no light on the road Bright eyes powered our car to go Heading home, feeling low It’s a long drive home Saw the falling of the moon and the rising of the fun Drove sixteen hours just to have some fun Had just one jam Then we drove back again

SPLAT SPLAT We drove three thousand Ks that’s a pretty long way Took the best part of a couple of days Got there safely, alive and happily But we couldn’t say the same for the bugs on the windscreen They went splat splat mush crash Flap flapped your last flap Flown the wrong road Now I guess that that’s that Louis the fly really didn’t want to die He dodged bug spray and traps lay He was one smart fly Until one day on a dirt highway He didn’t see the bus that was heading his way They went splat splat mush crash Flap flapped your last flap Flown the wrong road Now I guess that that’s that Fly fly butterfly colour up the blue sky Why did you die now you’re colour on the driver’s side And mosquito you won’t get me, no I’ll spill your blood before you get your go And those little things with wings that you can’t even see Until you collect a thousand on the front windscreen But don’t feel bad cos if they had the chance They’d suck every little drop of blood that you have So we make em go splat splat mush crash Flap flapped your last flap Flown the wrong road Now I guess that that’s that There’s a graveyard on the front of the bus That’s what you get for being smaller than us

I'd rather not write these lyrics down...

FASHION SONG I feel sorry for the goth in the summer time And I feel sorry for the hippies in the cold I fee sorry for the metrosexual all year round Because the new shirt that he bought is old And I feel sorry for the man with socks in his sandals Perfectly matched and pulled up to his knees And I feel sorry for the child who’s standing beside Doing all he can not to be seen And I feel sorry for that guy from that pop-punk band Good Charlotte What a contradiction I can’t understand it He sings songs about how his life has gone wrong and how he has no luck with girls But I think if he stopped dressing like a dickhead, that might help I’m sorry for this phase you’re going through And I’m sorry that your foot’s on the wrong shoe I’m sorry, but I’ve done it too I used to wear Adidas parachute pants Everyday to school One day I wore tem round backwards by mistake And I was laughed at by all my classmates And I turned red in the face and turned them around But when I walked they still made a swooshy sound And now I always check the tag I feel sorry for those poodles with those stupid haircuts And I feel sorry for their owners, cos they must be fucking nuts I’m sorry for this phase you’re going through And I’m sorry that your foot’s on the wrong shoe I’m sorry, but I’ve done it too I used to wear Adidas parachute pants Everyday to school I feel sorry for parcking inspectors But I still think you guys really suck When all of our carparks have been turned into buildings Where do you expect us to park? And one hundred dollars for five minutes in a loading zone Is really really fucked But I’m not angry anymore Cos when I see you in your uniform I know that everybody hates you And you wish that you were never born I’m sorry for this phase you’re going through And I’m sorry that your foot’s on the wrong shoe I’m sorry, but I’ve done it too I used to wear Adidas parachute pants Everyday to school

QUICK CONVERSATION I’m fine thanks for asking How you doing that’s great I’m glad to see That we’re in the same boat And I know it’s been a while But I just don’t have the time And I don’t like To use the telephone Oh nothing much Just the same old same The same things That I’ve been doing For the last thousand days Yeah that’s cool Yeah you too Not to be rude But I’ve gotta shoot through

HERE I STAND Here I stand with my guitar in hand How I got here’s a blur and my future’s unplanned I’m happy to be here don’t do things I don’t like Because I have been told there’s just one chance at life So I’ll keep moving forward for I have no choice This world which we live in spins like a hills hoist Constantly moving in light of the sun Just like goon-o-fortune it’s here to have fun And if we’re not having fun then we’re having no fun And not having fun is no good no one And no one likes no good things No good things no good brings Everybody deserves to be happy as kings I’ve seen what can happen when stuck in a rut It’s so easy to fall but so hard to get out And I know how it feels to be trapped in a box With so many doors but all of the shut It’s easy to get stuck in routines of working Cos money’s addictive and oh so controlling And comfort is comfortable fitting lifestyle Turn on the TV, sit back and smile Like a good little boy do not talk back Cos grown ups ave business you don’t understand Eat all your veggies or get no dessert And if there’s no dessert then what’s life really worth And if you’re not having fun then you’re having no fun And having no fun is no good for no one Some are happy with boredom and content with comfort That’s fine by me, I’m not one to judge that And I too like comfort and boredoms ok If I’ve got a guitar in my hands which to play I can sit back and twiddle let my fingers fiddle With fingers on frets I can make little jingles Like this one right now that just seems to go on It’s got a beat and a tune but it’s not a real song It’s got one long verse and it’s got lots of words About lots of things cos I like to observe People and their face as they communicate When they’re talking to strangers from different places Some people are happy some people are sad Some people are sane some people are mad Some people are violent but most of us peaceful People are people but no one is normal Some people don’t know how they feel inside They find it so hard to shut their sore eyes They stay up at night think what they’d rather be doing But it’s so hard to escape this life which you are in And I have been told it’s because I’m young Life’s actually hard it’s not meant to be fun But if you’re not having fun then you’re having no fun And not having fun is no good for no one But I’m doing my best to do what I want And all I want now is to figure that out And everyone’s different everyone’s unique Everybody is after different things Some people chase money Some people chase nothing Some people chase dreams Some people chase love Some people chase god Some people themselves But all human being all race towards wealth And it’s different for me then what wealth is for you I try not to judge but it’s hard not to do When I see a black suit and a shiny Ferrari I can’t help but think that they have to much money And maybe they should give some of it to me Cos I’m really nice and really deserving Or if not to me then to a poor person Who lives on the streets with their few possessions And lessons get learned then they get forgotten Old floorboards all get re-trod on Mistakes are made again and again It’s so sad to leave but it’s sadder to stay And I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again Everybody’s different that’s why we’re the same And time moves slowly But adds up so quickly And if you listen You can hear it Tick tick tick tick tick…